Jesus Lover of my Soul

I've been home now for 2 or so weeks. Its been super hard for me to be here. I love my family but I feel like there is a huge part of me missing. This last week in being home I can't get this song out of my head. Its the only line in the song I can remember and I just keep saying it over and over... Jesus Lover of my soul... and tonight as I looked it up on youtube and am listening to the song... Its a simple song- only 2 parts repeated.

Jesus, Lover of my soul,
Jesus, I will never let you go
Youve taken me from the miry clay
You've set my feet upon the Rock, and now i know

I love you, I need you,
Though my world may fall, Ill never let you go
My Saviour, my closest friend,
I will worship you until the very end

I keep trying to figure out why I can't get this song out of my head. As I look at the lyrics I am realizing that I am not doing this. I took this huge faith walk in leaving Lost Canyon and deciding to go to CCM. It didn't work out in the timing I thought. So what- it doesn't mean that its not where god wants me. My leap of faith led me home for now and just because I didn't make it to CCM doesn't mean that my faith can stop or lessen. I need to keep seeking him out every day on everything and know that he's taken me here for a reason. And "though my world may fall, I'll never let you go". This may seem like its happening but really when I break it down and look at it I know that I know- God's got me and he'll never let me go. If he brings me to it he'll bring me through it. Just some thoughts. I won't lie. My time at home has been stretching and really hard but I know everything happens for a reason. God brought me here for a reason-now I just have to seek it out.

Everything is Changing- ahhh I'm moving in a week!!!

I was driving home from Flagstaff the other day and this song came on. JJ Heller has been the special music first and third session here at Young Life's Lost Canyon. As I was listening to the lyrics it hit me hard- wow this is what I'm going through right now. These are my thoughts- but I know CCM is where God wants me- so I have to come against this doubt going on in my head. If you get a chance you should check out her music. I wanted to share this with you because she is great!

Everything Is Changing
BY JJ AND DAVE HELLER
I’m trying to follow
I’m trying my best to do what you said
But what about tomorrow
Are you sure I’m not in over my head

Everything is changing all around me
Is this the ending of a dream
I thought I was doing what you wanted
It isn’t as easy as it seemed

I’m losing my vision
I’m fighting the doubting with all that I am
It’s been awhile since you last gave me something
To go on
Tell me it’s not the end

It seemed like I did everything right
Now I see that it’s all wrong
Do you want me to move on
Can you tell me where I belong

The motions

So its been far too long! I've been without computer for far too long. But I finally broke down and bought one. So there has been a lot going on in my life since my last update. About 7 months ago I moved to Northern Arizona-Williams to be exact. To work at a Young Life camp. I am working in the kitchen. Our summer season has just started. We are in week 2 of session 1. Its been crazy but so much fun! Our summer interns arrived about a month ago and they are tons of fun. In the kitchen we have a great group of interns and Summer staff.
Lately the thing that has been on my heart is living life with no regrets. There is a song by Matthew West called "The Motions" that kind of describes my process and how I feel.... I don't want to just go through the motions of life. I want to live every experience God blesses me with. I want to have passion and give everything. I don't want to just live life but experience it to the fullness God created it for.

Matthew West- The Motions

This might hurt
It’s not safe
But I know that I’ve gotta make a change
I don’t care
If I break
At least I’ll be feeling something
‘Cause just ok
Is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life

I don’t wanna go through the motions
I don’t wanna go one more day
Without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don’t wanna spend my whole life asking
What if I had given everything?
Instead of going through the motions

No regrets
Not this time
I’m gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let Your love
Make me whole
I think I’m finally feeling something

WOW its been to long!

So today as I am sitting in the chair next to the window watching the rain fall I thought wow its been a long time since I've updated my blog... Well here is an update... I've been at home in Michigan for a little over a month now. Its been intersting. I've been back and forth between fremont(dads), grand haven(moms) and newaygo(sisters). I've been applying for jobs like crazy and am finally starting to have some hope about a couple. I also applied for this school thing which is exciting but not sure which road to take yet. I really miss hanging at the pool with my friends in Hawaii and wish I could be there in the sun with them... My days are usually extremely boring... I try to practice poi spinning daily. I read, watch tv, play with my nephew, look and apply for jobs-usually online, and watch the west wing... Thats pretty much my life right now... BORING... don;t get me wrong I love spending time with my nephew... he is the cutest.... Next week things get a little more interesting which I will update you on at some other point. But here is a picture of the cutest little kid... and a video of my spinning fire for the first time that I said I would post.... there is another video that I will have to post later... sorry its sideways

So I am back to the mainland now. I got to the canyon last night and it is so good to be back and to see everyone! I've missed this place a lot. Darren and Deanna picked me up from the airport wed. morning and we went and met Lacey, Drew and Whitney for a while before Lace took off for the Hawaii. It was so great to see you all. Its really hard to put into words just yet how my 3 months in Hawaii was. I am still processing through a lot. It was amazing!! to say the least!! I learned a lot about love and acceptance. I went on amazing adventures and made amazing friends. Got a tattoo and learned to spin fire... I definitely have come back a changed person. I miss everyone there dearly already! Its weird my first week there i had no idea how I would ever fit in at a place like that. How do I fit in with a bunch of hippies or the hippy lifestyle. But in the end what I learned was that I fit in just fine. Because we had the same heart and thats all that mattered. In the 3 months that I was there I was able to open my heart up so fast and let people in so fast it threw me for a loop. Over all when thinking about it the hardest yet most rewarding part of my summer came on the last day. I met with the volunteer coordinators for an exit interview and they told me -1- don't go, please stay, 2- that I was a bright light at Kalani, and my light shines brighter than most. And that right there meant a lot to me. They don't know me very well and have had maybe 3 conversations with them the whole time but for them to notice that in me-was great to hear. Not knowing that my bright light is jesus because even though it wasn't talked about they could still see there was something different about me from the way I lived my life. So that was pretty cool. My entire time there was a test of my faith and my beliefs and to come out a stronger at the end is great! So that is a little about my trip. I am in transition right now and am planning on being in the canyon for a week or 2. Then from there still not sure. I've been applying a few places and you never know if none of that works out I may be back in Hawaii soon... I will keep you updated! Hope everyone is doing great!

My last few days at Kalani were pretty hard and sad for me. I didn't really realize how much that place or the people there changed me or impacted me till I was about to leave. It's a pretty magical place. I do want to go back and visit for sure maybe volunteer again. Will see- only time will tell! One of may last days there Rachel took me to Fox's landing to this Lava tube that opens up over the ocean. It was amazingly beautiful!! It a little rough getting into it- seeing how you had to crawl on your hands and knees and squeeze through small spaces... but once you got to the end it was worth it... I will post pictures at some point . my computer is a little sick and is having troubles uploading and doing anything at a decent speed... more later!

I did it! I lit up!

No folks I didn't pick up smoking... but I did however pick up fire spinning. And I was going to light up for the first time this sunday but on a whim with Rachel decided to light up tuesday night. I am so glad I did because Sunday night has turned into my going away party and it sounds like a lot of people will be there so for my first time I wanted just a few people there. It was great because it was just Rachel, Satya, Taylor and I. I spun 3 times that night. It was one of the most amazing, exhilarating feelings I've ever felt. So much adrenaline!! I absolutely love it!!! By the third time I spun quite the little crowd had showed up. But by this time I was a little more confident. I will be lighting up again on Sunday night for my joint going away party!! I really enjoy this and plan to continue learning and spinning in the future.

Earlier on Tuesday morning I had another first. Yup, you heard right- I got a tattoo. It's really small and it says "Love out Loud". For me Love out Loud stands for a lot! I wanted to get something that symbolized my summer here and I wanted to have it done here as well.
There is a volunteer here who gives tattoo's for donation and I thought it would mean more to have someone from my Ohana do it. It took about an hour and a half. It didn't hurt really at all! I love it a lot! Your probably wondering why Love out loud... well -- Love out loud is the name of a song that has been a theme fro me this summer- but beyond that - love has been a huge theme of my summer. I've learned so much about love and acceptance! Love should be loud!

I can't believe that I only have 4 days left!! aghhhh!!! There is still so much to do! The goodbyes have already started. One of my bosses in Housekeeping Annalisa left today for vacation so I had to say goodbye to her last night and Betsy who is one of the managers here also went on vacation and I had to say goodbye to her today! I am not ready for the goodbyes... well I am off to bed.. here is one last pic. Ocean left last week and we had a surprise superhero going away for her. here is a pic of all us superheros and one of betsy, annalisa and I! Hope all is well!!

ahh one week left!

My new thing right now is spinning poi. Or fire spinning. I am not in any place to light up yet but I've been practicing everyday and I am getting pretty good for a beginner. I just started 2 wednesdays ago and I already have learned 8 tricks. Now I am just polishing them. Making them smooth and getting my planes straight. My hope is to light this sunday night at my going away party! I am super excited but at the same time a little nervous. But I will have plenty of experienced people around me to help out and to train me on fire safety. I will have to post video and or pictures after the event.
The other night I went to visit Pele again and it was the best I have ever seen. You could actually see the lava flow into the ocean! It was beautiful! I will post pictures later. My computer is being really slow and I can't really upload anything right now but when I can I will put them up!
So I can't believe that tomorrow is my last day of work already. Ahhhh... it is so crazy. I only have a week left then I will be back in Portland for a while! I am really excited about whats to come next although I don't know what that is yet! Being here has given me this new sense of drivenness.. I am realizing how much of a driven person I am-its pretty crazy. I have this new focus, vision, view on life. Its pretty great! The island is such a magical place. The energy of Pele is insane...
In my last post I mentioned how everyone was leaving and newbies were coming.. well I dropped off yet another friend at the airport this morning and around 13 of the 18 newbies are here already! Its been weird to see the change over happen so fast! I will be really sad to leave all my new friends here that will forever hold a special place in my heart! This place definitely rocked my world and opened it up. I am definitely leaving a changed person! I will write more on this in a later post because right now it is hard to put in words how I am feeling and what I've gone thorough this summer. But I can say its been amazing and I have loved my time here.. I can't wait to see all of you soon! I miss you all!

Off to Ocean's going away party- Its another superhero party! It is going to be so much fun!

Aloha!